Dr Krieger's Bodacious Bear Claws
by Red Witch
Summary: With Archer incapacitated, Mallory must find new ways to bring money into the agency. The trouble is she keeps falling back into her same old patterns. And so do her agents.


**Pam somehow ate the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. So what mischief did the gang get up to while Archer was in his coma? Well…**

 **Dr. Krieger's Bodacious Bear Claws **

"Do you know why Ms. Archer called only us for this meeting?" Ray asked Cyril. Krieger was also with them in Cyril's office.

"I don't know why Ms. Archer can't figure out that **I'm** the head of **this agency**!" Cyril groaned.

"Really?" Ray gave him a look. "Because **I can**."

"You know…?" Cyril gave him a look.

"All right idiots," Mallory let out a breath as she walked in. "I've lined us up a job. And since Sterling is slacking off…"

"In a coma," Ray corrected.

"And Lana is a bit distracted," Mallory sighed.

"Distraught and upset by her Baby Daddy being in a coma," Ray corrected.

Mallory went on. "I have no choice but to go with the B Team. Which let's face it, is more like the C Team."

"Am I correct in assuming this assignment is shall we say off the books?" Cyril groaned.

"Highly illegal," Ray corrected.

"Look do you want to make money or **not?** " Mallory snapped. "And honestly if I wanted a lecture I would let Lana in on this."

"But you'd rather she didn't get a cut," Ray said.

"I'm already paying for day care for my own grandchild!" Mallory protested. "As well as the medical expenses of **my own child**! So yes, Miss Gillette I think it would be best if she wasn't involved in this!"

"That just means more money for the rest of us," Krieger spoke up.

"Exactly," Mallory said.

"I didn't say we wouldn't do it," Ray pointed. "I just wanted to get the formalities out of the way first."

"So who is this job for?" Cyril sighed. "Don't tell me. Let me guess. The mob? The CIA? The FBI?"

"No," Mallory sighed. "Neither the CIA or FBI would touch us with a ten-foot pole. And I don't want to involve the mob any more than I have to…This job is for a…fellow freelancer."

"So someone who was kicked out of the CIA too?" Cyril groaned.

"Pretty much yes," Mallory said. "He'd do it himself but since he's in traction he outsourced it to us."

"And what exactly is this assignment?" Cyril groaned.

"I need you three to transport some…product across state lines," Mallory admitted.

"Drug running?" Cyril snapped. "You want us **back** in the drug running business?"

"Haven't you learned your lesson from the **last time** we tried this?" Ray asked.

"Which was what again?" Krieger blinked. "I forgot."

"It's not drugs!" Mallory snapped. "Technically…"

"What is it technically?" Cyril asked.

"Homemade bear claws," Mallory said. "With some natural ingredients specifically made for cancer patients."

" **There** it is," Cyril groaned.

"And they need to be transported to Massachusetts ahead of the new law so…" Mallory began.

" **There** it is!" Cyril groaned.

"Suddenly I just realized why Pam isn't at this meeting," Ray groaned.

"Look you morons get ten thousand dollars each if this goes well," Mallory said. "All you idiots have to do is drive up to Tax-A-Chusetts this weekend and drop them off at a new store opening up in Lawrence…"

" _Entering Lawrence_ …" Ray sang. _"And no sooner did I enter Lawrence, then I went and entered in Lowell!"_

"Phrasing!" Krieger called out.

"Shut up!" Mallory groaned. "Look your cover is that one of you will pretend to be Ray's boyfriend or husband or whatever else there is. The other will be the brother or something helping them move to a new state. So Ramona you get the pick of the litter here…"

"Oh God not me…" Cyril moaned. "Please not me!"

"Don't flatter yourself," Ray waved. "I pick Krieger."

"Ooh!" Krieger said excitedly. "I get to experiment with alternative lifestyles!"

"Trust me Krieger," Mallory sighed. "No one's lifestyle is as alternative as **yours.** "

"Hang on," Cyril realized. "I thought brownies was the usual method of giving marijuana to cancer patients."

"It is," Mallory said. "I convinced my client that we're branching out. He liked the product so…"

"Hang on again," Cyril added. "Wait **you** supplied the product? Where…And even as that question started to leave my mouth."

"I call them Dr. Krieger's Bodacious Bear Claws!" Krieger grinned.

"You're growing marijuana in **my agency**?" Figgis yelled at Krieger.

"Not **in** your agency!" Krieger protested. "More like **under** the agency…"

"We're talking sewer pot aren't we?" Ray groaned.

"It's a clean product!" Krieger snapped. "It's not like I'm growing them in the pipes or anything!"

"Oh great…" Cyril groaned.

"Technically it's more agency adjacent…" Krieger admitted. "You go down through some tunnels and take a right at…"

"I don't want to know!" Cyril whined.

"I'm guessing our job is suppling product to this freelancer's…?" Ray asked. "Drug store?"

Mallory sighed. "He prefers to call it an artisanal cannabis boutique. But yes, it's a drug store."

"Ms. Archer," Ray sighed. "Didn't you learn _anything_ the **last time** we tried running a drug cartel?"

"This is **not** a cartel," Mallory corrected. "This is merely a small side business. And yes, Ramona I did! I learned not to let Pam anywhere **near** the product. That's why I put all those boxes in my office."

"Hang on," Ray realized. "You locked your office door right?"

"Why would I lock my office door in…?" Mallory did a double take. "PAM!"

"How did she **not** see that coming?" Cyril sighed as Mallory ran out.

"I knew it," Ray sighed. "She didn't learn a damn thing from the cocaine cartel."

"PAM!" Mallory screamed.

"WHAT?" Pam's muffled voice was heard. As well as the sound of her eating something.

"STOP STUFFING YOUR GULLET YOU…" Mallory screamed. The sounds of struggles were heard.

"Should we go and look?" Ray asked.

" **Must** we?" Cyril sighed.

"PAM PUT THOSE BEARCLAWS DOWN!" Mallory shouted.

"YOU'LL GET THEM OVER MY COLD DEAD BODY YOU CRABBY OLD BITCH!" Pam screamed.

"Uh," Krieger blinked. "Maybe we should wait a minute?"

"PAM DON'T MAKE ME SHOOT YOU!" Mallory screamed over the scuffle. "ALL RIGHT! YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF!"

BANG! BANG!

"Good call," Ray remarked.

"HOW THE HELL DID I **MISS?"** Mallory was stunned. "Uh oh…"

"RAARRRRRRRRRRR! PAMELA MAD! PAM **SMASH**!"

"DAMN IT!" Mallory screamed as she ran by carrying a small box. "I **knew** I should have reloaded my gun today! AAHHHH!"

"RRRRRRRAAARRRR!" Pam wearing only her bra and panties chased after Mallory like Queen Kong on a rampage. "GIVE ME BACK THOSE BEARCLAWS!"

"PAM THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!" Mallory screamed. "AND THE GOOD OF THE BOTTOM LINE AROUND HERE!"

"IF YOU KNEW WHAT WAS GOOD FOR YOUR SCRAWNY ASS YOU'D GIVE ME BACK THOSE BEARCLAWS!" Pam roared.

"Wow," Cyril blinked. "I always thought marijuana was supposed to make people mellow."

"So much for that theory," Ray remarked. "Okay now we can check the office."

CRASH! SMASH!

"Yeah might as well," Cyril sighed and the men went to check the office.

SMASH!

"BEST DAY EVER!" Cheryl squealed.

"SHUT UP!" Mallory screamed.

"And to think," Cyril sighed. "I thought things would **actually change** while Archer was away."

" _Seriously?"_ Ray asked.

"Well one can dream," Cyril shrugged.

SMASH! CRASH!

"GIVE ME THOSE DAMN BEAR CLAWS!" Pam roared.

"Keep dreaming Cyril," Ray remarked as they entered Mallory's office. "Damn, it looks like a bear went through here."

"RARRRRRR!" Pam was heard.

"Close enough," Krieger remarked.

"Are there any left?" Cyril asked as they looked around the ransacked room.

"What do **you** think?" Krieger groaned. "Great. Now I'm going to spend my weekend baking again."

WHAM!

"I warned you!" Pam was heard cheering. "THE BEARCLAWS ARE MINE! HA HA HA HA!"

"DO ME NEXT! DO ME NEXT!" Cheryl cheered.

"I'm probably going to spend my weekend looking for a carpet cleaning system that's good with bloodstains," Cyril remarked.

"Oh I've got the perfect thing for that," Krieger waved. "My own formula. Works every time."

"Lucky us," Ray sighed.

"HA HA HA HA!" Pam ran by carrying the bear claws in triumph. Cheryl was riding on her back.

"We may have to break out the tranquilizers again," Krieger blinked.

"You **think**?" Ray gave him a look.

"Again, I thought pot makes people mellow?" Cyril asked,

"Well…" Krieger admitted. "I may have added a few extra spices and peptides to give it a kick."

" **Now** you tell me!" Mallory staggered in. She already had a black eye. "You…idi…"

She then passed out on the floor. "Well since Ms. Archer is going to be out for the rest of the day," Ray remarked. "So will I. Anyone want to join me for lunch?"

"Since Ms. Archer is out to lunch why not?" Krieger nodded. "Coming Cyril?"

"Phrasing," Ray quipped.

"There are days when I think I should have stuck with being a public defender," Cyril sighed as he left with them. "So I was around criminal maniacs all the time? At least I could get away from them on the weekend! Or when they couldn't make bail."


End file.
